excuse me I visited the physician why am I still *gestures to self*

breaking up w/ my insanely good looking only fans model gf who makes $200000/yr because im afraid of people on the computer calling us names

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

The sexual tension between the two squirrels I'm watching play in the tree has got me worked up

Taking a bath during my period was such a bad idea cuz now i just marinated myself

Stick it in my butt:
A TSA checkpoint memoir

I have to be the “p” word and it’s not easy, but I know I can do anything I put my pretty little mind to

Patient, ya pervs

If Jim Morrison was still alive, I bet he’d be part of “Conspiracy Theory Tiktok”

Loved driving around in my cavalier with the windows down and deftones playing. Haven't had a vibe since

Murder She Insinuated

Home Depot should sell beer. I’m tired of making two stops.

i keep reading about how people still use baby oil out in the sun. that shit would roast my translucent ass like a rotisserie chicken and then keep going

had a horrifying flashback to the time my father-in-law was showing me something on his laptop and the words “bleached anus” were in the search bar and we both silently pretended to be blind while he closed the browser out

*looking around the bowling alley*
wow you guys must jerk off a lot

Me: I don’t think I have a lot of Virgo attributes

Friend: what’s that?

Me: oh it’s a birthday freebies spreadsheet, color coded by category

not me being reckless and slamming on brakes to make my water bottle that flew into the floorboard roll back to where i can grab it.

“We are not quite the sacrifice everything for your kids crowd.”

- my husband, nailing it

Disturbing.

“Are they mad at me or are they dealing with their own stuff?”

-an autobiography

Dentist: How is your day going?