*19th of April 2024

**78

***Friday

💅💅💅

Will you absolute hell cats stop slagging off that bald fella and using my full name because you’re going to make me trend and I don’t like the religious iconography of everyone thinking I died on Easter fucking Sunday.

Tut.

I apologise. But you have to admit, Jordan, you do have a look about you which suggests you’re likely to tie someone up and slam them into a car boot.

No hard feelings, old chap.

Darlings, have I missed a full cast meeting where it was decided all the secondary players in this theatrical production we call life were instructed - indeed encouraged - to play their electronic devices aloud with no thought to use a pair of headphones because ????????

Same.

How do you know I’m not?

Just to clarify a couple of
things for you all - I look absolutely nothing like that tired looking young man on #TheApprentice and I cannot confirm nor deny if Toast of London is based on me. Have a lovely afternoon ❤️

Oh Love. Have a day off.

This Valentine’s Day I’d love any secret admirers out there to send me a gorgeous photo of the front of their credit card and the 3 digit code on the back (4 digits on the front for Amex 😍) ❤️❤️ xx

‘apparently’ 💀

“Take their computer off of them”

What’s the cut off mark for ‘young’ because honestly if you just stop lying to yourself we could truly get to bus pass territory 🔥

Also congrats on finding out you have eyes ❤️

Celebrating the festive season by insisting on calling goose fat ‘goose grease’ every time someone mentions roast potatoes and watching my extended family wince. 🎄❤️

Oh absolutely. But I admit, these days it’s usually because I *am* hanging ‘round to steal a car.

Boy oh boy! 2000 shiny new followers to alienate, disappoint and disillusion JUST in time for Christmas!! 😍🎄🥳

Welcome, dickheads!