theonion.com/newsletter?utm…

Police Department Defends Decision To Buy Entire Fleet Of 1967 Ferraris bit.ly/44wcLrT

Apple Unveils New Apple Vision Pro Mini bit.ly/4bk8zxW

Report: Email That Will Tear Your Life Apart Currently In Nemesis’s Draft Folder bit.ly/4aXJtF7

Bored Riot Cops Break Up Calculus Class bit.ly/3WvhTe4

Ayahuasca-Tripping God Underwhelmed To See Himself bit.ly/3WqBWdz

Every Member Of Police Department Excitedly Volunteers To Go Undercover In White Supremacist Group bit.ly/3UNSRFv

Today in Onion Real Estate: Polish Landlord’s Dream bit.ly/4b70kFF

17 Days In Incubator Longest Time Premature Baby Will Go Without Being Exposed To Advertising bit.ly/3UyCBHl

Inconsolable Anna Wintour Changes Met Gala Theme To ‘Looking Like Shit’ After Waking Up Feeling Ugly bit.ly/4duTuLB

Israel Accuses Al Jazeera Of Being Mouthpiece For Journalism bit.ly/3JQ1b1f

theonion.com/newsletter?utm…

Drake Drops New Track Inviting Kendrick Lamar Out To Coffee So They Can Clear Things Up bit.ly/4a8wxuL

Poll Finds Most Americans Want Immigration Reform That Includes Making Up New Last Names For People Again bit.ly/3JUm9fm

This Week's Editorial Cartoon: ‘Gradgitation Commencement’ bit.ly/3UL14KQ

Dad Spends Entire Vacation Asking How This Many People Out At Coffee Shops On Weekdays bit.ly/3JNn951

New Texas Law Makes It Legal To Sue Any Woman Whose Weight Fluctuates To Find Out What’s Going On There bit.ly/3WxWOj1

Wild Orangutan Observed Using Medicinal Plant bit.ly/4dqBOAS #WhatDoYouThink ?

Damning New Report Finds Someone Not Wearing The Shirt Wife Picked Out For Them bit.ly/3UqKIFW

Man Stops One Oreo Short Of Successfully Eating Away Problems bit.ly/4a8gSvJ