I never give 2 thumbs up. I like to leave room for improvement.

I get it, Bigfoot. I don't want anyone looking for me either.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep showing up and my food keeps disappearing.

Someone on Twitter told me that my dumb tweets are dumb and added that my bullshit is bullshit and now I've lost all purpose in life.

If I irritate any of you in any way that's your fucking problem.
*skips away grinning*

Him: Do I know you from somewhere?
Me: I fucking hope not.

I'm the least qualified person to run my life

People be competing with you in silence and still losing.

If you make pasta and don't make a little bowl for your dog, you are evil.

Being over 50 is a pain in the neck, the back, the knees and every other part of the body.

There is always some hidden sarcasm in my humble opinion.

I’m never quite sure if life is hugging me or choking me.

Strangers are just people you don’t have a legitimate reason to hate yet

Laughing through the pain is the only way I know how

Being abducted by aliens might just be the vacation I need at this point.

I have too many shenanigans, not enough time.

I will never apologize for being silly or weird because that's just simply who I am.

When I trip over nothing I just yell surprise!! Then people think I did it on purpose.

The phrase 'common sense' was surely created ironically.

I carry a tambourine just in case I need cheering up.