I sure hope sex is like riding a bike

A panic attack should at least burn enough calories for a cheeseburger combo or something.

Morning Twitter feels like being at a bar before it opens.

Sex is great. But have you ever developed deep feelings for someone you’ll never realistically be with?

🎶 Story Of My Life 🎶 is my favorite song about my kids ignoring me until they need money

I remember when a computer didn't automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Happy Friday, be happy you miserable fuckers.

[visits psychic] *knocks on door* Psychic: "who is it?" Me: "well this is a bad start"

Hey babe I think im gonna start dressing like rob dyrdek

my toxic trait is being productive for 10 minutes and then giving myself a 3 hour break

let me kiss you in all the places you are broken.

It won't be like this forever

50% of adulting is basically you trying not to cry.

be kind to yourself today; you are worthy

Good morning to everyone except my kid who waits until we're on our way to school before telling me he needs something for school

Babe, are you okay? You've barely touched the like button on all my tweets.

Please shut up, I'm hurting my own feelings again

[picks up date] *slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

*GF walks in dressed up "Who's the babe and what've you done with my gf?" GF: Haha *tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold WHERE IS SHE

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.