I don’t know why I do certain things, they don’t make sense to me either

Excuse me do you know wtf is going on in general?

I’m going into senile porn. I think it’s a growth market.

No fucking face filter gang UNITE!

My workout goals are simple: I'd just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Welcome to middle age. Your high-functioning anxiety is now becoming low-functioning anxiety.

Them: 'A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it'
Me: *takes a nap

Surround yourself with people that push you to be better.

do i need to go to costco or am i just bored and want free samples

fall apart tired

In today’s news, we’re celebrating my kid learning bowls go on the top rack of the dishwasher.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

Welcome to Twitter, this is where Sarcasm and Hypocrisy take a shower together.

I’m proud of you for drinking water. Was it as awful as you remember?

The most considerate of all saws is the reciprocating saw

What's stopping you from showing up on her doorstep in the pouring rain in a white shirt?

At this age we relate more with sedation than seduction I guess.

Even the apocalypse gave up on this shit show

music on, world off

If she calls you by your first, middle and last name… you’re gonna have a bad time.