I will say this for Pete Buttigieg he at least had the sense to pretend he DOESN’T murder dogs.

If I was working at a blood drive I would make sure to compliment people on their blood like maybe on the color or viscosity or like “Wow you’ve got a really impressive amount of blood!” That kind of thing.

Cornholio: need TP for my bunghole

Cornholio’s Therapist: Now, do you NEED TP for your bunghole, or do you WANT TP for your bunghole

Cornholio: I don’t know anymore

My mom has a habit of saying “I’m sorry,but” like she’s going to say something controversial except puts it in front of the most benign comments like I have a video of my daughter learning to crawl and you can distinctly hear my mom say “I’m sorry but that’s crawling”

INT. CAFETERIA -DAY

POPULAR GIRL: that table in the back corner is for the nose pickers, then youve got you metal heads, your jocks, your burnouts, and over there are the guzmen

NEW GIRL: sorry the what?

POPULAR GIRL: Guzmen? Fans of veteran character actor Luis Guzmán?

my fiance: please don't drink before the wedding. i know it's normal but whenever you drink you do your foghorn leghorn impression

me: i promise

reading my vows: Now, I say, I do declare, with a feather in my cap: I say, I'll be by your side, like a rooster crows in the morning

we have been suffering from a severe societal shortage of guys putting the lime in the coconut and drinking it all up

Boy, now I say boy, another one of them aeroplanes done hit that big city World Trade Center

I think it would be really funny if people other than babies got switched at the hospital like after your liver transplant you go home to the wrong wife and kids

why is nobody talking about this????

They are always telling me “get out from behind the counter” and “we are going to call the police”

My husband turned to me in astonishment at the check out at the grocery store and said “I just realized. Anne Hathaway is beautiful.”

Now me I would love to get dragooned into something nobody even calls me anymore.

When the guy from Sublime said “date rapes not legal” what did he mean by that? Because neither is heroin and he did that all the time.

I had lovely friends who moved to NYC from TX & they told their slumlord that they had mice & he told them to shake a coffee can with nails to scare them & when that didn’t work he said in his insanely thick Eastern European accent “oh is not mouse. Is baby rat. No solution .”

I hope people who hate children come back as a baby in their next life.

My daughter is watching Pride & Prejudice (1995) with me and telling me which characters are cringe