You can have kids or you can have a complete set of silverware. But you can’t have both.

3yos will ask you for a banana, eat the whole thing in front of you and then look you dead in the eye and tell you it was supposed to be sliced.

My husband found my hiding spot for my treats and ate some of my Reese's peanut butter cups, and this is how my villain origin story begins.

I don’t like the person I become when my husband finds my secret stash of Circus Animal cookies.

I married my husband for better or worse and it better not get any worse.

9yo: could you tell me what it was like in the 1900s? me: omg I've never felt so old.

I did the brave thing: I ordered just two pictures of my kid from the school picture package.

pretty smart to call them both because it might be a real ghost or it could just turn out to be some dude in a mask

they should have work picture day so we can send them to our moms

I hate when I'm doing chores, sit down for a quick break, and accidentally rewatch both seasons of House of the Dragon.

the seventh grader in me wants to high five whoever did this

the greatest trick my dog ever learned was convincing me that i’m actually her emotional support animal

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

My favorite pastime is watching a movie based on a book I read and then loudly critiquing said movie until everyone gets mad and leaves

Not saying I was jonesing for the return of football, but I just bet my life savings on the coin flip

Sometimes I think I am single-handedly keeping the Butterfinger empire alive, I think to myself as I finish off another Butterfinger.

My kids are like “skip the pasta and just give us breadsticks,” and I think I can get behind this initiative.

I gotta stop tweeting at 3 AM I tell myself... Hmm, yeah, good luck with that

Have kids so they can spend 10 minutes arguing about how many dogs they want and then agree 11 dogs is the perfect number but only if we buy 2 houses.

My dr said that doing laundry for the family doesn’t count as exercise, clearly she has no idea how much clothing my kids go through