The vegetable in my kid’s lunch box is entirely for show

The vegetable in my kid’s lunch box is entirely for show

My kid: mom, you do too much stuff you should do less

Also my kid: will you wash my bear tonight so she’ll be super fluffy tomorrow

Helping a kid with homework is like trying to get a squirrel to focus.

I’m gonna sprain my finger switching back and forth between the heat and air this time of year

My 1.5yo had a meltdown because I wouldn't let him sleep with a large spinach leaf. In case you wondered what having kids might be like.

I wanted my costume to be real scary this Halloween so I’m dressing up as a toddler.

Whenever my kids are up to their usual shenanigans I like to reminisce about the time an older couple shared with me that once their kids moved out, they were able to do all the things they told their children not to do. To this day that conversation still offers me much hope.

I need a crash test dummy to try and say dangerous things to my wife and see if I’d survive

Parents. Careful not to trip up on that guilt there.

How long we actually waited in line: 2 minutes

How long my son felt we waited in line:

Me: has a salad for dinner

Also me: well, I had a salad for dinner so I should have some ice cream.

Accidentally rearranged the apps on my Home Screen and now it feels like I’m using someone else’s phone.

Growing up in the 80s lead me to believe I would have more zany adventures involving my boss’ corpse

Men will literally dive with a chicken & a cat rather than go to therapy

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered... who has my foot-long sub?

yes, take those restaurant leftovers, then forget them in the Uber, as God intended.

Is it hot enough for ya?... lol… I'm just kidding