Back in my day only old people said back in my day, oh wait

them: I’m right and your wrong

me: you’re

them: but I’m SPEAKING

me: I can just tell

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

You know those sleeps where you are so comfortable and sleep forever and wake up refreshed and smiling

Yeah, me neither

Here comes Elon, lock up your valuables everyone

Twitter:

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

cooking show: clean the mushrooms by gently wiping them with a towel

me: absolutely not

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

A dating app for the over 40's called Napchat

Norwegian wood is like ordinary wood but more afjordable

My wife got a snakebite - i had to act quickly to suck out the venom. Sadly, the snake still died

Standing ovation! I couldn't be happier. eLLoween 👻's pick for tweet of the day is by Jason Goes to Hell. Great stuff! twitter.com/benedictsred/s…

went to bed listening to NPR and woke up in a jacket with elbow patches

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

I can never remember the name of the guy from Growing Pains, so I just call him Dollar Store Michael J Fox

Accidentally honked my horn as a lady walked by so now I must follow her home to explain I’m not a crazy person

less than 24 hrs til twitter starts running over pedestrians

I can remember song lyrics from 18 years ago, but can’t remember why i went into the kitchen.