when a guy says he doesn’t like girls who have tattoos I assume he means because he knows she’s at least 18

if you successfully hookup with girthmaster does that make you the girth master or just the master of his girth

You want snoopy to bad because you are bad. This is wrong. Snoopy is good. You have the choice to be good with him. You're stuck in the dark and you'd snuff out his candle before letting it light your own. Or did you forget you had a candle at all?

anyone wanna go in together on like 20 piñatas and just take turns beating the shit out of it recreationally

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Noooo babe idc about girth master you’re forklift certified that’s what matters

I hate rooting for the home team, if I wanted to be disappointed by men in my area I’d download dating apps

your team making the playoffs is super fun until you have to watch playoff hockey and the stress takes years off your life

because you’re too cowardly to talk your shit in person? because you thrive on attention and the only kind you get is negative? because your own life is so sad that you take an adorable family moment and feel the need to be transphobic?

“I spend $50 every time I leave the house” okay, I can easily do that without leaving my couch, nowhere is safe

A burning desire to fake my own death and start over as a mysterious but respected bartender in a coastal New England town

Please call him Groucho Barks please call him Groucho Barks please call him Groucho Barks

you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me