I know you keep saying you could make more in private industry but every time I turn around, you are still here. Is it because they’d make you show up to work and do your job in the private sector?

The Vice-Chancellor for Thriving encourages you to do as many quality of life training workshops this summer as possible. You should have time since you’re off payroll until August 21.

We are pleased to announce the Nikita Koloff Chair in Post-Soviet Studies.

The economists keep telling me why the rest of the social sciences deserve to be paid less. It makes so much sense!

A district court judge has determined that the state’s anti-hood law precludes the public awarding of doctorates.

We noticed an uptick in faculty protestors after other colleges canceled their graduations. Just know it won’t work. We are having graduation and you need to be there.

The faculty are socialist except when it comes to university budgets. They hate when I redistribute resources from well-funded departments supported by grants and contracts to underfunded to departments supported with only state money.

When the associate dean does it, that means that it is not illegal

By every metric, your program has been successful but, with my input, we can make it even better! Get ready, help is on the way!

Yes, the rules are meant to be broken, but only by me.

When a dean leaves for a lateral position you know there’s a p-p problem, like the provost and/or the president.

We can’t stop tenure reviewers from using Chat GPT to write their letters, unless they are too dumb to delete “ChatGPT” from the top of the review.

There is no bias in the decision making process, we relied on the expert judgments of outside letter writers. And I personally selected each of the letter writers to assure fairness.

We are cracking down on protesters in the same manner as our aspirational peer institutions. It’s a KPI in the strategic plan.

The AAUP chapter and the Faculty Senate both issued signed statements. That’s a completely different matter altogether!

Malcontent permanent associate professors sign statements. Donors sign checks. Who do you *think* we’re gonna listen to?

Please remember if you are delivering food to our student protesters to include vegan and gluten-free options. They can’t show their commitment to cause on an empty stomach!

Protesting doesn’t get you a 5 for service.

There is an inverse relationship between the faculty protesting and returned indirects. Not sure how the college should use this information… but I have some ideas.

We are charging a tailgate site fee to each tent in the protester encampment. It’ll automatically appear on bursar accounts. We know who you are—thank you for putting your SIDs on your phones!