Hot single dads in your area want to know who touched the thermostat

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

me: *delete contact*

the cloud: you motherfucking will not

Sorry but You look like the kind of person who jogs for fun and I just don't need that in my life

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

My wife deleted social media off her phone recently. Today I caught her scrolling through her venmo feed like an alcoholic drinking listerine.

Mess with your old man on Father’s Day by asking him what his favorite Steely Dave song is

There never really was a disco inferno. It was all smoke & mirrors.

How many calories do you burn putting on a duvet cover, I’m thinking 1,200

Idk but some of y’all pack your kindergartners lunch like they got a 16 hour shift in the oilfield

But surely *a little* diggity?

I have yet to find a combination involving cheese and carbs that isn’t incredible

is it considered flirting if the costco employee gives you an extra sample??

My Apple Watch tells me “it’s time to stand” while I’m standing and gives me credit for standing while sitting so of course I will trust them to effectively use AI.

Sorry we're late but my husband's keys were exactly where I said they were

My attitude is about a foot and a half taller than I am.

Keep your friends close, but your secret snack stash even closer

I never imagined that being an adult would mean having a kitchen shelf full of mugs that I never use, but can't throw out, because I'm emotionally attached to them.

My mother-in-law needed help with a computer problem and I fixed it, so I guess I’m her favorite child now.